|
13th January
I've never played the bagpipes but I have carried a screaming three-year-old toddler over my shoulder.
6th January
I work in a library. Literally, all we do is judge books by their covers.
30th December
What happened to the man who shoplifted a calendar on New Year's Eve? He got 12 months!
23rd December
Top Ten topical Christmas Cracker jokes 2024:
-
What gifts will Sir Keir get this Christmas? None, he's had enough!
-
Why are pensioners bulk buying Brussels sprouts this Christmas? It's the only way they'll keep the gas flowing this year
-
Why is Rachel Reeves in the Nativity this year? She’s collecting inn-heritance tax.
-
Why is Santa worried about being stalked? He’s surrounded by baby reindeer.
-
Who’s Santas favourite member of Oasis? Noel.
-
Why does Father Christmas find going down chimneys easier this year? He’s on Ho Ho hozempic.
-
Why aren't there more jokes about receiving Oasis tickets for Christmas? Most people won't get them.
-
What do you call a Belgian reselling tickets at inflated prices? - a Brussels tout.
-
What’s the Thames Water advent calendar like? It’s full of number 2s.
-
Why did Gareth Southgate get into difficulty with the Christmas Club money? He was always late with his subs.
16th December
I've decided to sell my Hoover... well, it was just collecting dust.
9th December
What's the difference between an aerobics instructor and a dentist? A dentist lets you sit down while he hurts you.
2nd December
Where does a fish go to borrow money? The loan shark!
25th November
Arguing with a woman is like buying a lottery ticket. You know you're not gonna win, but you're sure as hell gonna try.
18th November
What washes up on tiny beaches? Microwaves.
11th November
Electricity is dangerous. Shocking, ain't it?
4th November
I hate when people say age is only a number, when it's clearly a word.
28th October
Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
21st October
I have given up on my stand up comedy routines. Everybody just keeps laughing at me.
14th October
Stop blaming yourself and others. Learn Feng Shui and blame the furniture.
7th October
I don't care what you think you're good at, there's a 7-year-old kid on YouTube doing it better.
30th September
I want to go to IKEA, hide in a wardrobe, wait for someone to open it and yell "WELCOME TO NARNIA".
23rd September
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
16th September
Everybody repeat after me: "We are all individuals."
9th September
Should I have another baby after 35? No, 35 children are enough.
2nd September
What kind of bees make milk? Boobies
26th August
What's long and green and has a low I.Q.? A St. Patrick's Day Parade.
19th August
You know when donkey followed Shrek home and just kept talking? That's what it's like having kids.
12th August
Egyptian babies didn't know that one day their Daddy will become a Mummy.
5th August
Stop blaming yourself and others. Learn Feng Shui and blame the furniture.
29th July
I could tell my parents hated me, my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
22nd July
You're old enough to remember when emojis were called "hieroglyphics."
15th July
What do you call the saddest waterway in Russia? Crimea River.
8th July
What sound does a bouncing plane make? Boeing.
1st July
I made a graph of my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
24th June
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
17th June
A girl in a restaurant asked me "Are you single?". I happily replied "Yes". She took away the extra chair in front of me.
10th June
Marriage and smoking are similar. You start because you want to and you continue because you have to.
3rd June
Don't you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
27th May
A man got hit in the head with a can of Coke, but he was alright because it was a soft drink.
20th May
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologised.
13th May
My mum always used to say "40 is the new 30". Lovely woman... banned from driving.
6th May
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible." "Well, tell him I can't see him right now."
29th April
What's the difference between a politician and a flying pig? The letter F.
22nd April
What did E.T.'s mother say to him when he got home? "Where on Earth have you been?!"
15th April (This one's especially for Pat)
What did the chicken say when it got to the library? "Book book book book book book book..."
8th April
Please spread the word. Sure, no problem! W o r d.
1st April
April Fools' Day is like a huge open mic night in which millions of people go out of their way to demonstrate how unfunny they are.
25th March
My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more.
18th March
I'm not saying your perfume is too strong. I'm just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
11th March
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
4th March
I once entered the world kleptomaniac championships. I took gold, silver, and bronze.
26th February
Time may be a great healer but it's also a lousy beautician.
19th February
At school I graduated second to a lamp, he was too bright for me.
12th February
You can't tell me what to do, you're not my dog.
5th February
I opened the dishwasher and it's full of clean dishes and I'm scared my wife is going to know that I know.
29th January
Why don't the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
22nd January
I love my six pack so much that I have protected it with layers of fat.
15th January
You think it's cold out there? - then go sit in a corner, it's 90 degrees!
8th January
Egyptian babies didn't know that one day their Daddy will become a Mummy.
1st January
May all your troubles last as long as your New Years resolutions?
25th December
Top ten Christmas Cracker jokes 2023:
-
Did you hear about the Christmas cake on display in the British Museum? It was Stollen.
-
Why is Elon Musk's Christmas dinner so awkward? He can't stop talking about his X.
-
Why isn’t Barbie having turkey for Christmas dinner this year? Chic-Ken is enough.
-
Why aren’t any schools allowed to put on a nativity this year? They couldn’t find a stable building.
-
What impact will the 20mph speed limit in Wales have on the charts this year? Chris Rea will be driving home for Easter.
-
What happened to Mark Zuckerberg’s novelty jumper when he had a cage fight with Elon Musk? He was left with nothing but Threads.
-
What's the difference between The Polar Express and HS2? One's a fantasy about a train and the other's a film with Tom Hanks.
-
What did Robert Oppenheimer get Barbie for Christmas? Atomic Kenergy.
-
Why are the train drivers on the naughty list this year? Because they've already had three strikes!
-
How does Margot Robbie decorate her Nativity scene? With 3 wise Ken.
18th December
I got lost in your eyes. But I also get lost in most department stores, so I wouldn't read too much into it.
11th December
They used to time me with a stopwatch... now they use a calendar.
4th December
Whoever put the "S" in fastfood is marketing genius.
27th November
There are approximately 45 seconds between "I'll make us an omelette" and "We're having scrambled eggs".
20th November
There's always something to be thankful for on Thanksgiving. Even if it's just not being a turkey.
13th November
A stock market crash is worse than a divorce, you lose half your money and your wife is still around.
6th November
What did E.T.'s mother say to him when he got home? "Where on Earth have you been?!"
30th October
The lesson of Halloween is that pretending to be something you're not will lead to a sweet reward.
23rd October
A Pizza is basically a real-time pie chart of how much pizza is left.
16th October
You know when donkey followed Shrek home and just kept talking? That's what it's like having kids.
9th October
When I found out that my toaster wasn't waterproof, I was shocked.
2nd October
Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip? To get to the same side!
25th September
The story was really great. That's why I was closing my eyes the whole time trying to imagine it.
18th September
Lately I've been trying to touch my toes, which I don't find so complicated, but my knees just can't get it straight.
11th September
Who was the builder of King Arthur's round table? Sir Cumference.
4th September
When I was at school, fifty two percent of the class were good at maths. I was one of the other thirty eight percent.
28th August
They used to time me with a stopwatch... now they use a calendar.
21st August
Did you hear about these new reversible jackets? I'm excited to see how they turn out.
14th August
I heard you were good at algebra. Can you replace my X without asking y?
7th August
Ladies, dating a short guy is fun until you can't find him at the club and you don't have taxi money to go home.
31st July
So apparently RSVP'ing back to a wedding invite 'maybe next time' isn't the correct response.
24th July
Hung a picture up on the wall the other day. Nailed it.
17th July
Welcome to our "ool", notice there is no "P" in it, let's keep it that way.
10th July
Why is Peter Pan always flying? He neverlands.
3rd July
A Roman fighter consumed his wife. He said he was glad 'e ate 'er...
26th June
This morning some clown opened the door for me. I thought to myself that's a nice Jester.
19th June
I was addicted to the hokey cokey... but thankfully, I turned myself around.
12th June
I would tell a history joke, but they're too old fashioned.
5th June
How do you get Pikachu onto the bus? You Pokemon.
29th May
Lance is an uncommon name nowadays. But in medieval times people were named Lance a lot.
22nd May
I read a survey that said 82% of people enjoy being cuddled. But if the people on this bus are any indication, the real figure is, like 0%.
15th May
I drink straight out a of the wine bottle while cooking. I think that's what they mean by reducing it.
8th May
Why do people litter? Because they dont take the litter signs litterally.
1st May
There was only 2 things I was good at in school... Maths.
24th April
What do call an Irishman sitting by the pool? Paddy O'Furniture.
17th April
With my luck I'll probably be reincarnated as me.
10th April
Chocolate comes from cocoa, which is a tree. That makes it a plant. Therefore, chocolate is salad. Happy Easter!
3rd April
If I wanted your opinion, I would give it to you.
27th March
Smaller babies may be delivered by storks but the heavier ones would need a crane!
20th March
Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box.
13th March
I asked my wife to embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.
6th March
Who was the builder of King Arthur's round table? Sir Cumference.
27th February
A blonde heard that accidents happen close to home so she moved!
20th February
If you are joining a new bank bring money with you, make sure you take that into account.
13th February
Grocery store flowers on Valentine's Day: show someone you care slightly more than not at all.
6th February
What do you call Watson when Sherlock isn't around? Holmeless.
30th January
How many animals can jump higher than a skyscraper? All of them, skyscrapers can't jump.
23rd January
I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length. Must be some kind of milestone.
16th January
My wife goes out 3 evenings a week with her driving instructor.I wouldn't mind but she passed her driving test in 2018.
9th January
My wife made me into millionaire. I was a multi-millionaire before we met.
2nd January
New Year's is just a holiday created by calendar companies who don't want you reusing last year's calendar.
26th December
There's nothing like the joy on a kid's face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
19th December
Top ten Christmas Cracker jokes 2022:
1. What type of peas ruin Christmas Dinner? MPs.
2. Why does Kate Bush need to turn the heating off? She's running up that bill.
3. How did King Charles III sign his Christmas cards to his family? The Artist Formerly Known As Prince.
4. What's the difference between Liz Truss and a shepherd? One U-turns and the other turns ewes.
5. Why are Will Smith and Chris Rock not having turkey this Christmas? Because they've got beef.
6. Why has Santa been banned from sooty chimneys? Carbon footprints.
7. What crisps do Phil and Holly serve at their Christmas party? Skips.
8. Why are the Government having problems with their own version of the Christmas Nativity? They can't find three wise men.
9. What do people heating their homes and wrapping paper have in common this Christmas? Both of them are getting ripped off.
10. How can you keep your home warm this Christmas? Tinsulation.
12th December
Now that I'm older, I realize that my imaginary friend was really nothing more than an imaginary acquaintance.
5th December
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
28th November
We live in an age where mentioning you read a book seems a little bit like you're showing off.
21st November
I was so sad and crying when I lost my playstation 3 but unfortunately, there was nobody to console me!
14th November
Scratches and dents on the doors of your car are the side effects of bad driving.
7th November
Alcohol makes people do things they know they shouldn't but kinda want to. E.g I started sleeping 20 hours a day.
31st October
I remember when Halloween was the scariest night of the year. Now, it's Election night.
24th October
I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.
17th October
Pun enters a room, kills 10 people. Pun in, 10 dead.
10th October
An opinion without 3.14159 is just an onion.
3rd October
My wife still hasn't told me what my New Year's resolutions are.
26th September
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
19th September
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don't think she'd be a good secret agent.
12th September
I applied for a job hanging mirrors. It's something I can see myself doing.
5th September
My driving instructor told me to pull over somewhere safe. After 10 minutes he asked me why I hadn't pulled over. I said we are still in Manchester.
29th August
So apparently RSVP'ing back to a wedding invite 'maybe next time' isn't the correct response.
22nd August
I typed "married" but it was auto-corrected to "martyred". Damn,smartphone has gained intelligence.
15th August
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion quid of her work.
8th August
I've opened three birthday cards and I'm already £150 up. I love being a postman!
1st August
Stephen King has a son named Joe. I'm not joking, but he is.
25th July
Sometimes I feel like a man trapped in a woman's marriage.
18th July
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there's no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
11th July
My Czech mate is surprisingly bad at chess.
4th July
15+15 is thirty but 16+16 is thirty too.
27th June
My girlfriend left me because she couldn't handle my OCD. I told her to close the door five times on her way out.
20th June
I've just written a song about tortillas - actually, it's more of a rap.
13th June
My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline; she hit the roof.
6th June
I don't understand why some people use fractions instead of decimals. It's pointless.
30th May
Never tell a woman that her place is in the kitchen. That's where the knives are kept.
23rd May
A cop accidentally arrested a judge who was dressed like a convict for a costume party. He learned to never book a judge by their cover.
16th May
I don't understand why people don't like lazy people. They didn't do anything.
9th May
I can't decide which room not to clean first.
2nd May
I've agreed so much with my wife that my head just starts nodding at the sound of her voice.
25th April
I never ask my kids to call me, I just change the Netflix password and then don't respond to their texts.
18th April
And on the sixth day, God created man first so that he could enjoy a few minutes on Earth without saying the wrong thing to a woman.
11th April
There's nothing I've learned from being a father that I couldn't just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
4th April
I gave up my seat to a blind person in the bus. That is how I lost my job as a bus driver.
28th March
Breaking: Man takes longer to find emoji than it would have taken him to find words that convey what he wanted.
21st March
My life is an open book. But it's very poorly written and I die in the end.
14th March
My favourite part of grocery shopping is rushing home to look at the shopping list on my counter to see what I forgot to buy.
7th March
When I was young I did stupid things because I didn't know any better. Now I know better and do stupid things because I miss being young.
28th February
A couple of years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
21st February
I'm sure there's a supplement I could take or another easy solution to cure my laziness. Someone look into it for me.
14th February
Marriage is full of surprises but it's mostly just asking each other "do you have to do that right now?"
7th February
A cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremely slow motion.
31st January
I'll be ill if you remove the apostrophe.
24th January
Thinking of sleeping on my husband's side of the bed today. Apparently from that side, you don't hear the kids wake up at night.
17th January
I just discovered that the word "nothing" is a palindrome... Backwards it spells "gnihton", which also means nothing.
10th January
I married my wife for her looks, but not the ones she's giving me lately.
3rd January 2022
May all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions.
27th December
New Year's Eve forecast: Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out.
20th December
Top 20 Christmas Cracker jokes for 2021:
1. Why are people cutting back on Brussels sprouts this Christmas? The cost of gas is too high.
2. Why is Christmas dinner vegan this year? Because Turkey is on the red list, but vegetables are all green.
3. Why won't Jeff Bezos, Elon Musk and Richard Branson see each other this Christmas? They all want space.
4. What's Piers Morgan's favourite Christmas song? Walking Off On Air.
5. Which relative will not be at Chris Whitty's Christmas dinner? Aunty Vaxxer.
6. Which vaccine did Father Christmas get? Mince Pfizer.
7. Why did Rudolph's nose have to self-isolate? It failed the lateral glow test.
8. Why didn't Santa replace Comet and Cupid when they left to become HGV drivers? It was just 2 deer.
9. How do you know the heating bill for December is too high? Dad won't even let you open the windows on your advent calendar.
10. Why can Netflix afford calamari at Christmas? They're Squids in.
11. Why does Christmas scrabble take so long with Boris Johnson? He's keeps going back on his word.
12. Why are we only having broccoli, cabbage and peas as veg this Christmas? Because 52% of the family said no to Brussels.
13. Why did Matt Hancock have to buy his aide really expensive Christmas presents? She had him up against a wall. 14. Why does Emma Raducanu get to carry the crystal glasses at Christmas dinner? They know she's unlikely to drop a set.
15. Which vaccine did the Three Wise Men have? The Wiser Jab.
16. Which Friends character nearly missed the 2021 Reunion Show due to the Test and Trace app? Chandler Ping.
17. Why will Keir Starmer be sad on Christmas morning? He'll still have no presence.
18. Why does Jackie Weaver control the weather at Christmas? She has snow authority.
19. What pantomime are the government doing this year? Chris Whittington.
20. What is Coleen Rooney's favourite Christmas game? Guess Who.
13th December
Why Iron-man and not Fe-male?
6th December
I saw a girl crying, so I asked her "Where are your parents?" and she started crying even more. Man, I love working at the orphanage.
29th November
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you're set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
22nd November
I bet Egyptians were all "Nobody in history will ever worship and revere cats like we do" and then came the internet.
15th November
To be frank, I'd have to change my name.
8th November
I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
1st November
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
25th October
Someone asked me what the 9th letter of the Alphabet was. It was a complete guess, but I was right.
18th October
If they don't call the next Fast & Furious film "Fast10 Your Seatbelts" I'm going to be furious.
11th October
What's the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac? A literalist takes things literally. A kleptomaniac takes things, literally.
4th October
I've started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It's all about raisin awareness.
27th September
I once dated a one-legged girl who worked in a brewery. She was in charge of the hops.
20th September
You know Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brother... Sudden Lee.
13th September
Bob The Builder has emigrated and set up a new business on a French Mediterranean island... Can he fix it? Corsican!
6th September
Smartphones are pacifiers for adults.
30th August
I would like to thank everybody that stuck by my side for those five long minutes my house didn't have internet.
23rd August
I asked my date to meet me at the gym today. She didn't show up. That's when I knew we weren't gonna work out.
16th August
Before having a kid the most important thing to ask yourself is "Am I ready to watch the exact same cartoon on repeat for the next 4 years?"
9th August
The problem with trouble shooting is that trouble shoots back.
2nd August
How is it that I always seem to buy the plants without the will to live?
26th July
If by free spirits you mean an open bar, then yes I love free spirits.
19th July
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
12th July
Doctor: Your body has run out of magnesium. Patient: 0mg!
5th July
I dreamed about drowning in an ocean made out of an orange fizzy drink last night. It took me a while to figure out it was just a Fanta sea.
28th June
T-shirt is actually short for tyrannosaurus shirt. It's because of the small arms.
21st June
People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves.
14th June
Long fairy tales have a tendency to dragon.
7th June
No matter how kind you are, German children are kinder.
31st May
If I illegally download a movie in the Bahamas, does that make me a Pirate of the Caribbean?
24th May
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
17th May
Albert Einstein was a genius and worthy of praise and study. His brother Frank was an absolute monster.
10th May
Alcohol won't mend a broken heart.But that doesn't mean I won't try it again tonight.
3rd May
If I've learned anything in life, it's that not enough people are at a loss for words.
26th April
The CEO of IKEA was elected Prime Minister in Sweden. He should have his cabinet together by the end of the weekend.
19th April
My mom's favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
12th April
Top 3 situations that require witnesses: 1) Crimes 2) Accidents 3) Marriages.
Need I say more?
5th April
How did the soggy Easter Bunny dry himself? With a hare dryer!
29th March
I bet you £4,567.89 you can't guess how much I owe my bookie.
22nd March
Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I'm driving.
15th March
Mothers with teenagers know why animals eat their young.
8th March
Ready for the only way to enjoy Instagram? Follow zero people. Follow every dog.
1st March
Aging gracefully is like the nice way of saying you're slowly looking worse.
22nd February
The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you don't have to mow it.
15th February
Waitress: 'Do you have any questions about the menu?' Me: 'What kind of font is this?'
8th February
Remember, everyone seems normal until you get to know them...
1st February
If at first you don't succeed, we have a lot in common.
25th January
Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.
18th January
If i had a pound for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.
11th January
If someone calls you fat, just ignore them. You are bigger than that!
4th January
What is it with people that won't embrace modern technology? Answers on a postcard please.
28th December
My New Year's resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.
21st December
Top 20 Christmas Cracker jokes 2020:
1. What is Dominic Cummings' favourite Christmas song? Driving Home for Christmas.
2. Did you hear that production was down at Santa's workshop? Many of his workers have had to elf isolate.
3. Why didn't Mary and Joseph make it to Bethlehem? All Virgin flights were cancelled.
4. Why are Santa's reindeer allowed to travel on Christmas Eve? They have herd immunity.
5. Why did the pirates have to go into lockdown? Because the "Arrrr!" rate had risen.
6. Why is it best to think of 2020 like a panto? Because eventually, it's behind you.
7. Why couldn't Mary and Joseph join their work conference call? Because there was no Zoom at the inn.
8. Why can't Boris Johnson make his Christmas cake until the last minute? He doesn't know how many tiers it should have.
9. What do the Trumps do for Christmas dinner? They put on a super spread.
10. Which Christmas film was 30 years ahead of its time? Home Alone.
11. How do you play Dominic Cummings Monopoly? Ignore the rules, move anywhere on the board you like, and never Go To Jail.
12. Why won't Santa lose any presents this year? He's downloaded Sack and Trace.
13. How is the pandemic like my stomach after Christmas? It'll take ages to flatten the curve.
14. How is Prince Andrew coping with the stresses of Christmas this year? Fine. No sweat.
15. Why wasn't Rudolph allowed to take part in vaccine trials? Because they only wanted guinea pigs.
16. Which Government scheme supports Christmas dinner? Eat Sprout To Help Out.
17. How can you get out of talking to your boss at this year's staff Christmas party? Put him on mute.
18. How does Santa keep track of all the fireplaces he's visited? He keeps a logbook.
19. Who dresses in red and gives to the children this Christmas? Marcus Rashford.
20. Why did Mary and Joseph have to travel to Bethlehem? Because they couldn't book a home delivery.
14th December
Not saying I live in a rough area but just bought an advent calendar and half the windows are boarded up!
7th December
I threw a ball for my dog... It's a bit extravagant I know, but it was his birthday and he looks great in a dinner jacket.
30th November
My mum always used to say "40 is the new 30". Lovely woman... banned from driving.
23rd November
If there was an award for the least effective way to clean things, I would sweep the table.
16th November
I once took the p out of a pirate. It made him very angry...
9th November
Why can't Trump go to The White House anymore? It's FOR BIDEN.
2nd November
A chicken and an egg walk into a bar. The barman says, "Who's first?"
26th October
What did one autumn leaf say to another? I'm falling for you.
19th October
If you see someone doing a crossword today, lean over them and say "7 up is Lemonade".
12th October
So, my neighbour with the big titties is outside gardening topless today... I just wish his wife would do the same!
5th October
"I was the knight no one expected to appear on battlefield that day." Sir Prise
28th September
The book on chronology I ordered has finally arrived. It's about time...
21st September
My wife left me because I'm insecure. No wait she's back. She just went to get coffee.
14th September
Someone asked me how you weigh an elephant. It's quite like weighing a person, but on a much larger scale.
7th September
To the person who invented infinity: "Thanks for everything."
31st August
For sale: Watch with half a face. For a limited time only.
24th August
Just found out I've failed my German exam. Sacre bleu!
17th August
I have decided that from the start of next week I am going to dress as a different kind of bread every day. Roll on Monday!
10th August
I'm writing a book about hurricanes and tornados... It's only a draft at the moment.
3rd August
I sent a clown to deliver some flowers to my wife... I thought it would be a romantic jester...
27th July
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected.
20th July
Ladies, some advice, if he doesn't appreciate fruit puns... You need to let that mango.
13th July
The doctor hands me the baby and tells me my wife didn't make it. So I politely return the baby and ask for the one my wife made.
6th July
A garage sale is actually a Garbage sale but the "b" is silent.
29th June
Q: What do you call the security outside of a Samsung Store? A: Guardians of the Galaxy.
22nd June
What word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it? Short.
15th June
I've finally told my suitcases there will be no holiday this year. Now I'm dealing with the emotional baggage.
8th June
I've always had an irrational fear of speed bumps. But I'm slowly getting over it.
1st June
Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.
25th May
They used to time me with a stopwatch... now they use a calendar.
18th May
It's not a relationship until you argue about whose turn it is to apologise.
11th May
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will hunt you down and I will make you pay... You have my Word!
4th May
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with wearing different clothes every half an hour. I said, "Wait, I can change."
27th April
My Czech mate is surprisingly bad at chess.
20th April
I've learnt that saying "Oh, this old thing?" isn't an appropriate way to introduce an elderly relative.
13th April
Chocolate comes from cocoa, which is a tree. That makes it a plant. Therefore, chocolate is salad. Happy Easter!
6th April
Why did the Easter egg hide? Because he was a little chicken!
30th March
Learn from yesterday, live for today and have hope for tomorrow.
23rd March
I love the way the Earth rotates. It literally makes my day.
16th March
I wanted to do panic buying. I checked my account. I can only panic.
9th March
I always give 100 %... which is why I lost my job as an exam marker!
2nd March
While most puns make me feel numb, mathematic puns make me feel number.
24th February
A priest, a minister and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, "I think I might be a typo."
17th February
Why haven't aliens visited our solar system yet? They looked at the reviews. Only 1 star.
10th February
Grandma's been staring through the window ever since it started to snow. If it gets any worse I'll have to let her in.
3rd February
I asked a german if he knew what the square root of 81 was. He said no.
27th January
What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.
20th January
My wife asked me earlier: "Are you even listening to me?". Which is a really weird way to start a conversation...
13th January
My friend claims that he "accidentally" glued himself to his autobiography, but I don't believe him. But that's his story, and he's sticking to it.
6th January
What happened to the Irish man who thought about the evils of drinking in the New Year? He gave up thinking.
30th December
My resolution was to read more so I put the subtitles on my tv.
23rd December
Top ten Christmas Cracker jokes 2019:
- 1 – Why does Donald Trump have his Christmas dinner on a plastic plate? He doesn't get on with china.
- 2 – Why is Parliament like ancient Bethlehem? It takes a miracle to find three wise men there.
- 3 – Christmas dinner is a lot like Brexit. Half the family were told they needed to make room for Turkey, so opted to leave Brussels.
- 4 – Why has Santa been banned from sooty chimneys? Carbon footprints.
- 5 – What is Coleen Rooney's favourite game to play over the festive period? Guess Who.
- 6 – Why doesn't Jeremy Corbyn ever visit Santa? Because he struggles in the poles.
- 7 – Why is Greta Thunberg boycotting parsnips and carrots at Christmas? Because she's a swede dish campaigner.
- 8 – What's the difference between Rudolph's nose and David Cameron's autobiography? Only one will be red at Christmas.
- 9 – What do you call a snowman who goes on Love Island? A melt.
- 10 – What is Olivia Colman's favourite part of a turkey? The Crown.
16th December
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic
9th December
Remember, children. The best way to get a puppy for Christmas is to beg for a baby brother.
2nd December
The person next to me on this train hasn't stopped talking loudly the whole journey! I'm starting to regret marrying her.
25th November
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who's been asked what's in their mouth.
18th November
Just burned 2,000 calories. That's the last time I leave a cake in the oven while I nap.
11th November
I lost my job as a stage designer, I wasn't very happy but left without making a scene.
4th November
Most people are shocked when they find out how incompetent I am as an electrician.
28th October
I remember when Halloween was the scariest night of the year. Now, it's Election night.
21st October
Dentist: "You need a crown." Patient: "Finally someone who understands me"
14th October
What do you call someone without a nose or a body? Nobodynose.
7th October
Taxes are the price we pay for a civilisation. In light of recent results, I want my money back.
30th September
It's been raining for 3 days without stopping. My wife is in depression, she is standing and looking through the window. If the rain doesn't stop tomorrow, I'll have to let her in.
23rd September
Why do Norwegians build their own tables? No Ikea!
16th September
Cashier: "How would you like to pay for this." Me: "Not at all."
9th September
I've never been very good at geography. But I can name at least one city in France, which is Nice.
2nd September
How do you know if someone is hitchhiking or just complimenting your driving?
26th August
If the sun is so hot how come it's single.
19th August
Not all maths puns are terrible. Just sum.
12th August
People who say they've lost their voice are lying.
5th August
If Russians pronounce B's as V's then Soviet.
29th July
If number 666 is evil, then 25.8069758011 is the root of all evil.
22nd July
One bird can't make a pun. But toucan.
15th July
My tennis opponent was not happy with my serve. He kept returning it.
8th July
My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer. I said, "No, wait! I can change."
1st July
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
24th June
Every time you talk to your wife, your mind should remember that... 'This conversation will be recorded for Training and Quality purposes'
17th June
What do you call six weeks of rain in Scotland? (or Barlaston). Summer!
10th June
What's Blonde and dead in a closet? The Hide and Seek Champion from 1995.
3rd June
One wall to another... Meet you at the corner.
27th May
What do you call it when worms take over the world? Global Worming!
20th May
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off.
13th May
I always wanted to marry an Archeologist. The older I would get, the more interested she would become!
6th May
Just burned 2,000 calories. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
29th April
Just stayed a night in the YMCA... I don't want to make a song and dance of it.
22nd April
Why did the Easter egg hide? Because he was a little chicken!
15th April
Thanks once again to autocorrect, my sister's kids are expecting the Easter Rabbi this week.
8th April
Finally got around to watching Back To The Future... It's about time.
1st April
It's April Fools Day. Believe nothing, and trust no one. "So it's like any other day."
25th March
Maths puns are the first sine of madness!
18th March
Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.
11th March
Being an adult is just walking around wondering what you're forgetting.
4th March
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account? They were prime mates.
25th February
Entered what I ate at the annual Club lunch into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
18th February
I was an hour late for my train today, but luckily when I reached the station, it was still there... The people must have wondered, "Where the hell is the driver?"
11th February
Do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day? Sure, they're very scent-imental!
4th February
I'm not saying your perfume is too strong. I'm just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
28th January
Today I found my first grey pubic hair. I got really excited, but not as much as the other people in the lift.
21st January
What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care.
14th January
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth? A slow swimmer.
7th January
Jokes about unemployed people are not funny. They just don't work.
31st December
My New Year's resolution is to help all my friends gain ten pounds so I look skinnier.
24th December
Top Christmas cracker jokes 2018:
1. What does Donald Trump do after he pulls a cracker?
Pays her off
2. Why is Theresa May encouraging board games at Christmas?
Because she’s trying to bring back Chequers
3. Why has Debenhams been forced to cancel its Christmas nativity play?
No prophet
4. What does Philip Green buy former employees for Christmas?
Their silence
5. When do sheep practice their new dance?
While shepherds watched them floss by night
6. What’s the difference between the Love Island villa and the stable where Jesus was born?
The stable has had some wise men in it
7. Why does Kim Kardashian hate Christmas so much?
She’s always the butt of the Christmas cracker jokes
8. What is Meghan buying Harry, William and Charles for Christmas?
Suits
9. Why was everyone hungover after Roxanne Pallett’s Christmas Party?
She misjudged the strength of the punch
10. Why did Donald Trump invite Kanye West round to help with his Christmas presents?
Because Kanye is Trump’s favourite wrapper
11. What’s the biggest complaint about Network Rail’s Christmas seasoning?
They keep changing the thyme
12. Why has Boris Johnson bought mistletoe this year?
Because he’s tired of being in the single market
13. What’s the only thing that goes on longer than Christmas?
Harry and Meghan’s wedding preacher
14. What did Banksy serve with his Christmas turkey?
Shred sauce
15. Who won the North Pole Love Island?
Dani Deer
17th December
One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister." Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."
10th December
My email password has been hacked. That's the third time I've had to rename the cat.
3rd December
It's so cold that I have to take half a Viagra so I won't pee on my shoes.
26th November
Me: "You said dress for the job you want." Boss: "Give me my clothes back."
19th November
"I ran a half marathon" sounds so much better than "I quit halfway through a marathon".
12th November
A cop just knocked on my door and told me that my dogs were chasing people on bikes. My dogs don't even own bikes...
5th November
Got an e-mail today from a "bored housewife 33, looking for some action!" I've sent her my ironing, that'll keep her busy.
29th October
Went to quite a few stores to find the best prices for herbs... I think it was thyme well spent.
22nd October
How do trees access the internet? They log in.
15th October
I bought a dictionary and when I got home I realized all the pages were blank; I have no words for how angry I am.
8th October
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture. I have a hunch it might be me.
1st October
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
24th September
Why do mother kangaroos hate rainy days? Because their kids have to play inside!
17th September
What do Brexit and Viagra have in common? They're both a cock-up.
10th September
I work out almost every day. Friday I almost worked out, Saturday I almost worked out, Sunday I almost worked out...
3rd September
In India a man was bitten by a snake as he tried to take a 'selfie'. How the snake managed to bite the man and hold a phone simultaneously is a mystery.
27th August
My boss just said to me "You've been late five days this week... Do you know what that means?" I certainly do - it's FRIDAY!
20th August
Fat people are lucky - they get to eat whatever they want and not worry about getting fat.
13th August
Squirrels always act like it's their first day of being a squirrel.
6th August
I estimate I have enough energy to attend two more social events in my lifetime.
30th July
When the bank gives my kid a lollipop I take it and eat it because I want him to understand how banks really work.
23rd July
My wife told me: "Sex is better on holiday." That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive.
16th July
What do you call a snowman in July? A puddle.
9th July
What did the pig say at the beach on a hot summer's day? I'm bacon!
2nd July
Why is a football game a good place to go on a hot day? Because there are lots of fans.
25th June
Don't you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
18th June
Don't let your worries get the best of you; remember, Moses started out as a basket case.
11th June
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve. It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.
4th June
Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
28th May
Smoking will kill you... Bacon will kill you... But,smoking bacon will cure it.
21st May
I named my dog 6 miles so I can tell people that I walk 6 miles every single day.
14th May
Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
7th May
I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.
30th April
They used to time me with a stopwatch... now they use a calendar.
23rd April
The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.
16th April
Before I tell my wife something important, I take both her hands in mine. That way she can't hit me with them.
9th April
Currently the flower business is blooming.
2nd April
When do monkeys fall from the sky? During Ape-ril showers!
26th March
When do people start using their trampoline? Spring-Time.
19th March
Can February March? No, but April May!
12th March
Smoking will kill you... Bacon will kill you... But,smoking bacon will cure it.
5th March
My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that...
26th February
Two blondes fall down a well. One says to the other one, "Isn't it dark down here?" She replies, "I don't know. I can't see."
19th February
My tennis opponent was not happy with my serve. He kept returning it.
12th February
My mom said that if I don't get off my computer and do my homework she'll slam my head on the keyboard, but I think she's jokinfjreoiwjrtwe4to8rkljreun8f4ny84c8y4t58lym4wthylmhawt4mylt4amlathnatyn.
5th February
Middle age is when you're faced with two temptations and you choose the one that will get you home by nine o'clock.
29th January
My girlfriend left me because she couldn't handle my OCD. I told her to close the door five times on her way out.
22nd January
Pavlov walks into a bar. The phone rings, and he says, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog."
15th January
My girlfriend is always stealing my t-shirts and sweaters... But if I take one of her dresses, suddenly "we need to talk".
8th January
I have never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.
1st January 2018
I'm taking part in a stair climbing competition. Guess I better step up my game.
25th December
Best Christmas Cracker jokes 2017:
-
Why was Theresa May sacked as nativity manager? She couldn't run a stable government.
-
Why don't Southern Rail train guards share advent calendars? They want to open the doors themselves.
-
What's the difference between Ryanair and Santa? Santa flies at least once a year.
-
Kim Jong-un will play Santa this year in the South's annual pantomime. He said he fancied a Korea change.
-
Why did Donald Trump continuously decorate the Christmas tree? Because people kept saying “moron” to him.
-
Why was the planned Ryanair TV documentary scrapped? They were unable to air a pilot.
-
Which TV Christmas special is being filmed in Brussels this year? Deal Or No Deal.
-
Theresa May has asked Santa for a home makeover this year. First thing on the list was a new Cabinet.
-
What did Bruce Forsyth say when the Christmas pheasant repeated on him? “Good game, good game”.
-
Why did Jeremy Corbyn ask people not to eat sprouts on Christmas Day? He wants to give peas a chance.
18th December
Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me, it means a lot.
11th December
Maybe if we start telling people the brain is an app they will start using it.
4th December
I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants, but he's still making fun of me.
27th November
My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that...
20th November
Behind every angry woman is a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong.
13th November
My wife gave birth 4 times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth 0 times and I don't fit in my trousers from March.
6th November
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.
30th October
Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.
23rd October
Nurse: "We need a stool sample and a urine sample." Man to wife: "What did she say?" Wife to husband: "They want your underwear."
16th October
When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive... It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.
9th October
Why did the blond get fired from the banana plantation? Because she threw out all the bent ones.
2nd October
I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn't complain.
25th September
After the helicopter crash, the blond pilot was asked what happened. She replied, "It was getting chilly in there, so I turned the fan off."
18th September
Why did the blonde stare at a frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? Because it said "concentrate"!
11th September
About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard. After that, he went down hill fast.
4th September
My dream woman has a special combination of inner and outer beauty and is, most importantly, too naive to know she's way out of my league.
28th August
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
21st August
Set your wifi password to 2444666668888888. So when someone asks for it, tell them it's 12345678.
14th August
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce.
7th August
Aging gracefully is like the nice way of saying you're slowly looking worse.
31st July
The man who created Autocorrect has died. Restaurant In Peace.
24th July
A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age.
17th July
My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline; she hit the roof.
10th July
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."
3rd July
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.
26th June
When Miley Cyrus gets naked & licks a hammer it's "art" & "music". But when I do it, I'm "drunk" and "have to leave the hardware store".
19th June
Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
12th June
I think my neighbour is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
5th June
Politicians and nappies have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
29th May
You know you're ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.
22nd May
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
15th May
Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?
8th May
It's funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
1st May
Feeling pretty proud of myself. The Sesame Street puzzle I bought said 3-5 years, but I finished it in 18 months.
24th April
You're not fat, you're just... easier to see.
17th April
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
10th April
Team work is important; it helps to put the blame on someone else.
3rd April
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
27th March
All the toilets in Stoke's police stations have been stolen.
The police have nothing to go on.
20th March
Broken pencils are pointless.
13th March
When you get a bladder infection - urine trouble.
6th March
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
27th February
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
20th February
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity - I just can't put it down.
13th February
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid - but he says he can stop any time.
6th February
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
30th January
I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
23rd January
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
16th January
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
9th January
I used to be a banker - but then I lost interest.
2nd January 2017
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
26th December (2016's 30 best Christmas Cracker jokes)
1. How will Christmas dinner be different after Brexit? No Brussels.
2. What do workers at Sports Direct get for Christmas dinner? About five minutes.
3. How do you recognise a Christmas tree from BHS? All the branches have gone.
4. I bought my mum Mary Berry’s cookbook for Christmas, I tried to get Paul Hollywood’s but he’d sold out.
5. What’s David Cameron’s favourite Christmas song? All I Want For Christmas is EU.
6. Why has Hillary Clinton asked Santa for a 23-letter alphabet? Because she is sick of F-B-I.
7. Why didn’t Roy Hodgson go to visit Santa at the North Pole? He couldn’t get past Iceland.
8. Why are Jeremy Corbyn’s Christmas cards on the floor? His cabinet collapsed.
9. Prince Philip looks out of the window on Christmas Eve. “That’s some reindeer,” he says. The Queen replies: “63 years. Yes, that is a lot.”
10. What’s the difference between the clementine in your Christmas stocking and Donald Trump? Nothing, they’re both a little orange.
11. What do you get if you cross Donald Trump with a Christmas Carol? O Comb Over Ye Faithful.
12. What’s the best advice you can give at the UKIP Christmas party? Avoid the punch.
13. Why did the three wise men only have frankincense and myrrh? Because Team GB took all the gold.
14. Which parent is likely to do the Christmas shop at Tesco this year? Dad might, Marmite not.
15. Why can’t the England football team play Yahtzee this Christmas? Because they got rid of Allardyce.
16. I can’t get to the chocolates in my advent calendar. Foiled again.
17. Why is Bob Dylan’s sleigh so quiet? Because it has Nobel.
18. Why is everyone filing for divorce and custody of the kids this Christmas? Tis the season to be Jolie.
19. Who might be cooking Christmas dinner at Number 10 this year? Theresa May.
20. Why can’t Mary Berry eat turkey sandwiches? Paul Hollywood took all the bread.
21. Why doesn’t Sam Allardyce help load Santa’s sleigh? Because it takes him 67 days to get the sack.
22. Why did the snowman pull out of Strictly? Because he got cold feet.
23. How do you pay respect to David Bowie this Xmas? By serving some Ziggy pudding.
24. What’s Tom Hiddleston starring in over Christmas? The Night Manger
25. What does Nigel Farage do to the hall with boughs of holly? He Dexit.
26. What did Tim Peake get in his stocking this year? Galaxy and Milky Way.
27. Why did Ed Balls fail an audition to play one of Santa’s reindeer in a Christmas pantomime? Because he’s no Dancer.
28. What’s Donald Trump’s favourite type of ice cream? Wall’s.
29. Why’s Santa going round the world this Christmas Eve? He’s playing Pokemon Ho Ho Ho.
30. How do snowmen leave the EU? They trigger Icicle 50.
19th December
Where there's a will, there are relatives.
12th December
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
5th December
You're never too old to learn something stupid.
28th November
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
21st November
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
14th November
'I like the pope. You know that white thing on his head? If you push that down and twist it, he's full of sweets.' - Sean Lock
7th November
'A man doesn't know what happiness is until he's married. By then it's too late'.- Frank Skinner
31st October
“If Adam and Eve can’t make it work in Paradise, how am I going to make it work in Lewisham?” - Sara Pascoe
24th October
'When I was a kid, I asked my mum what a couple was and she said, 'Oh, two or three'. And she wonders why her marriage didn't work out.' - Josie Long
17th October
'I like the Ten Commandments but I have a problem with the ninth. It should be - Thou shalt not covet they neighbour’s ox, except in Scrabble.' - David O'Doherty
10th October
'What’s Postman Pat called on his holiday? Pat.' - Aisling Bea
3rd October
“The Doc told me I had a dual personality. Then he lays an 82 dollar invoice on me, so I give him 41 bucks and say, 'Get the other 41 bucks from the other guy.'” - Jerry Lewis
26th September
The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was a genius.' - Sid Caesar
19th September
'I have low self-esteem; when we were in bed together, I would fantasise that I was someone else.' - Richard Lewis
12th September
'Last night, it was so cold, the flashers in New York were only describing themselves'. - Johnny Carson
5th September
Here are the top eight comments made by sports commentators during the Olympics that they would like to take back:
1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."
2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."
3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."
5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."
6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."
7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."
8. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them . . . Oh my God, what have I just said?"
29th August
'I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, 'My dad can beat up your dad.' I'd say 'Yeah? When?' - Bill Hicks
22nd August
'Do you know how many middle-aged men go out for a pint of milk and never come home? Not enough.' - Jenny Eclair
15th August
'Bob Geldof . . . no wonder he's such an expert on famine, he has been dining out on "I Don't Like Mondays" for thirty years.' - Russell Brand
8th August
'I went to a restaurant that serves breakfast at any time. So I ordered 'French Toast during the Renaissance'. - Peter Kay
1st August
'If something about the human body disgusts you, the fault lies with the manufacturer.' - Lenny Bruce
25th July
'She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn't help wondering from what direction.' - Bob Hope
18th July
'You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.' - George Burns
11th July
'First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.' - Steve Martin
4th July
'The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much I play, I’ll never be as good as a wall.' - Mitch Hedberg
27th June
'The quickest way to a man's heart is through his chest.' - Roseanne Barr
20th June
'When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.' - Bob Monkhouse
13th June
'Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect.' - Benny Hill
6th June
'The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.' - Jay Leno
30th May
'The worst two Winters of the 20th century . . . Mike and Bernie.' - Victor Borge
23rd May
'How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?' - Steven Wright
16th May
'Toughest job I ever had: selling doors, door to door.' - Bill Bailey
9th May
'God gave men a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.' - Robin Williams
2nd May
'My sister was with two men in one night. She could hardly walk after that. Can you imagine? Two dinners!' - Sarah Silverman
25th April
'I was in love with a beautiful blonde once, dear. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm so indebted to her for.' - WC Fields
18th April
'My friend keeps telling me I'm in the closet . . . I just say it's Narnia business!'- Will Ferrell
11th April
'Room service? Send up a larger room.' - Groucho Marx
4th April
'A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.' - Joan Rivers
28th March
'My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and an Easter Egg. I feel better already.' - Dave Barry
21st March
'I finally have the body I want. It’s easy, actually, you just have to want a really rubbish body.'
14th March
'A few decades ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. Please don't let Kevin Bacon die.' - Bill Murray
7th March
The wife’s mother said: ‘When you’re dead, I’ll dance on your grave.’
I said: "Good. I’m being buried at sea". - Les Dawson
29th February
'Two cannibals were eating a clown – one said to the other, 'Does he taste funny to you?' - Tommy Cooper
22nd February
'I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink and be Mary.' - George Carlin
15th February
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.' - Billy Crystal
8th February
'I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine.' - Spike Milligan
1st February
'A sewage farm. In what way is it a farm? Is there a farm shop?' - Jack Dee
25th January
“Posh hotels have a turn-down service. I had never heard of this and there was a knock at the door and a woman said, ‘I’ve come to turn down your bed.’ To which I said, ‘Well many women have in the past. Why should you be any different?’” - Michael McIntyre
18th January
'One-armed butlers – they can take it but they can’t dish it out.' - Tim Vine
11th January
'I like to play chess with bald men in the park, although it's hard to find 32 of them.'
- Emo Phillips
4th January
'His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.' - Mae West
28th December
'I was not a particularly small child. I was the one who always got picked to play Bethlehem in the school nativity.' - Jo Brand
21st December
2015 Top Ten Christmas Cracker jokes (No.7 already out-of-date!):
1. Why does Ed Miliband like advent calendars? He gets to open the door to number 10.
2. I told my Grandad to go to Amazon for his Christmas shopping. He phoned me two days later from Brazil.
3. Why were Jeremy Clarkson's colleagues excited to try his mulled wine? Because they'd been floored by his punch.
4. How does Darth Vader like his Christmas turkey? On the dark side.
5. Why did Santa pour Lemsip into the chimney? He was coming down with the flue.
6. Why don't Volkswagen hold Christmas Services? They get the readings wrong.
7. Why is there no Champagne at the Chelsea Christmas party? Because Mourinho got rid of the Fizzy-o.
8. Why was the turkey at the Talk Talk Christmas party such a mess? It was hacked.
9. Who's Rudolph's favourite pop star? Beyon-sleigh.
10. What do Wikileaks staff have with their Christmas turkey? An anonymous sauce.
The witticisms that just missed out on the top spots included:
-
Why won't Tom Jones be carol singing this Christmas? He's lost his Voice.
-
Why didn't people like the new Apple Mac themed advent calendars? They didn't have any Windows.
-
Why doesn't anyone trust Jeremy Corbyn to put up the Christmas tree? Because it always leans to the left.
14th December
'My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we don't know where the hell she is.' - Ellen DeGeneres
7th December
'I always take my wife morning tea in my pajamas, but is she grateful? . . . No, she says she'd rather have it in a cup.' - Eric Morecambe
30th November
'My problem with the Grand Canyon is Americans are too proud of it for my liking. The Grand Canyon was like that when they found it! And it’s not like it was hard to find.' - Ed Byrne
23rd November
'My wife sent her photograph to the Lonely Hearts Club. They sent it back saying they weren't that lonely.' - Les Dawson
16th November
'I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'. - Bob Newhart
9th November
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?
A thesaurus.
2nd November
'A man walks into a chemist’s and says, "Can I have a bar of soap, please?" The chemist says, "Do you want it scented?" And the man says, "No, I’ll take it with me now".' - Ronnie Barker
26th October
We're going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.
19th October
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
12th October
'Did you hear about the shrimp that went to the prawn’s cocktail party? He pulled a mussel' - Ken Dodd
5th October
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
28th September
'In your thirties your friends just disappear. I don't mean they die. They all move to Birmingham, which is worse.' - Lucy Porter
21st September
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
14th September
PMS jokes aren't funny; period.
7th September
Oliver Hardy: 'Didn't you once tell me that you had an uncle?'
Stan Laurel: 'Sure, I've got an uncle. Why?'
Oliver: 'Now we're getting somewhere. Is he living?'
Stanley: 'No. He fell through a trap door and broke his neck.'
Oliver: 'Was he building a house?'
Stanley: 'No, they were hanging him.'
31st August
"I don't want any publicity – you get too many begging letters. If they're anything like the ones I send out I don't want to know!" : Tony Hancock
24th August
'I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.' : Mae West
17th August
'The film industry is like Anne Robinson - always on the lookout for a new face.' :Jack Dee
10th August
'How come Miss Universe is only won by people from Earth?' :Ross Noble
3rd August
We're going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.
27th July
'I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.' : Ken Dodd
20th July
I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
13th July
Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.
6th July
'My boyfriend had a sex manual but he was dyslexic. I was lying there and he was looking for my vinegar.' Victoria Wood
29th June
They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
22nd June
'The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.' : Joan Rivers
15th June
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
8th June
Velcro - what a rip off !
1st June
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
25th May
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
18th May
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
11th May
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
4th May
My wife phoned earlier suffering from depression and said "I feel like
jumping in front of a bus and you're not doing anything to help". So I sent
her a timetable.
27th April
A bloke from Barnsley wakes up with a sore arse. He goes to the shop and
says to the shopkeeper "nah then, does tha' sell arse cream?" The shopkeeper
replies "That we do Lad, does tha' want a Magnum or a Cornetto?"
20th April
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
13th April
When chemists die, they barium.
6th April
There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
30th March
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
23rd March
A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
16th March
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
9th March
Venison for dinner again? Oh deer !
2nd March
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
23rd February
A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
16th February
A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband: 'I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment.'
He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.
9th February
Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife.
Bound to end in tears though; she's rubbish at snooker.
2nd February
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
26th January
A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'
Granny replies, blow the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!
19th January
I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find one now.
12th January
Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a work station .
5th January 2015
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
29th December
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
22nd December, ten 2014 Christmas Crackers!:
1. What will be missing from Take That's Christmas stocking this year?
An Orange.
2. How does Luis Suarez like his Christmas dinner?
Bite-sized.
3. What do the royal family play at Christmas instead of musical chairs?
Game Of Thrones.
4. What did the snowman say to the aggressive carrot?
"Get out of my face."
5. Why is Christmas a busy time for David Cameron?
He's got two parties to organise.
6. What's the difference between Bono and Santa?
Santa gives you things you want.
7. Why won't Santa visit Nigel Farage?
Because he only comes if you sleep, not if Ukip.
8. Why are snowmen rubbish at cricket?
They're always bowling snow-balls.
9. I got a Ukip advent calendar. It's rubbish, all the doors keep slamming shut.
10. Why is The Great British Bake-Off like the nativity?
Because the Star is in the Yeast.
15th December
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
8th December
They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
1st December
Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
24th November
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
17th November
They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly.
10th November
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
3rd November
A Muslim has died whilst training to be a skydiver. The BNP School of Diving said they had no idea why his snorkel and flippers did not open.
27th October
Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine.
Both in hospital...one's in a korma.. The other's got a dodgy tikka!
20th October
A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt .
Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...
13th October
DRESSING UP
· A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
· A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
6th October
MARRIAGE
· A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
· A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
29th September
Such an unfair world:- When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its £2.50/min (charges may vary).
22nd September
Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
15th September
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
8th September
If you get an email telling you that you can catch swine 'flu from tins of ham then delete it -- It's spam.
1st September
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
25th August
I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years, just getting over the hill.
18th August
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
11th August
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
4th August
The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, he looks good doesn't he.'
28th July
A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to UK so that they can see their own doctor.
21st July
I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
14th July
Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
7th July
On average, British couples have sex twice a week, whereas Japanese couples have sex only once a month.
This is upsetting news as I had no idea I was Japanese.
30th June
Young boy: " Dad, why do people say keen gardeners have 'green fingers' when their fingers aren't actually green at all?"
Dad : "Its just a saying, like when someone is caught stealing we say he was caught 'red handed', even though his hands are actually black".
23rd June
The England World Cup squad visited an orphanage today in Santa Marta Favela in Rio de Janeiro
"It really is heart-breaking to look into their faces and see that they realize they have no hope whatsoever"
said Jose Coelho, 8.
16th June
I joined a health club last year, spent about 250 quid.
Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there!
9th June
I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
2nd June
The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
26th May
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
19th May
Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
home at £4,000 per month.
My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old and we have no idea where the hell he is.
12th May
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
5th May
In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
28th April
In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
21st April
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR
14th April
On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
7th April
Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS
31st March
Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
24th March
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
17th March
Outside a second-hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
10th March
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
3rd March
A man with a stutter is visiting his doctor ...
"How's the stutter?", asks the doctor.
"It's go-getting better. BUT my mate still calls me D-D-Donkey," replies the man.
"Do you have any idea why?" The doctor asks.
.... "No, but he aw he aw he aw he always calls me that."
24th February
"If women are so blooming perfect at multitasking,
How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"
17th February
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
10th February
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
3rd February
A sign over a gynaecologist’s office: “Dr Jones, at your cervix”
27th January
In the front yard of a funeral home: “Drive carefully We’ll wait.”
20th January
A sign in the non-smoking area of a restaurant: “If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.”
13th January
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake..
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
" Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
. . . Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy .... Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke? "
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, then he shakes his head and mutters, "Nah ... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times ...
6th January 2014
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand......
30th December
A professor at Auburn University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?'
About 90 students raise their hands.
Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'
About 40 students raise their hands.
That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'
About 15 students raise their hand.
Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'
Three students raise their hands.
That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'
Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'
The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.
When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'
Ahmed replied, "Oh shit, from way back there I thought you said Goats."
23rd December
When four of Santa's elves fell ill the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as his professionals and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and escaped. Then, as he began to load the sleigh one of the floorboards cracked and the toy bag fell to the floor and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went into the house for a glass of cider and a shot of rum, only to find when he went to the cupboard that the elves had drunk the cider and hidden the rum.
Just then the doorbell rang and an irritated Santa marched to the door and yanked it open.
There, on the doorstep, stood a beautiful little angel with a sweet smile and holding a Christmas tree. The angel said cheerily "Merry Christmas Santa, isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful Christmas tree for you. Where would you like me to put it?"
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree!
16th December
Guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.
Guy behind the counter says , 'Male or female?'
Customer says , 'Female.'
Counter guy asks , 'Black or white?
Customer says , 'White.'
Counter guy asks , 'Christian or Muslim?'
Customer says , 'What the hell does religion have to do with it?'
Counter guy says , 'The Muslim one blows itself up.'
9th December
Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humour'
2nd December
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
25th November
We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
18th November
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
11th November
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
4th November
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
28th October
Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.
21st October
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."
14th October
Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.
I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.
7th October
Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.
30th September
After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy.
Nothing.
23rd September
I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.
16th September
Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.
9th September
My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.
2nd September
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even though it's only for £38.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
26th August
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition - imposed by circumstances.
While attending a harmony for couples weekend, Dave and his partner, Ann, listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."
He then addressed the men, "Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower ?"
Dave leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently, and whispered, "It's Homepride, isn't it ?"
Thus began Dave's life of celibacy.
19th August
Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."
12th August
A farmer was sitting on his porch one day when a young man drives in and comes to the door. "Sir, I was driving by and noticed you had a lot of milkweed in your pasture. Would you mind if I went out there and got myself some milk?"
"You don't get milk from milkweed!" the farmer replied.
"Oh yes I can." said the young man "I have a degree in Agriculture from Texas A&M, I know all about it".
"Well, help yourself!" said the farmer.
He soon saw the young man coming back to his car with two buckets full of milk.
The next day the farmer was again sitting on his porch when the same young man drove up. "Sir, yesterday when I was getting milk, I noticed you had some honeysuckle vine on the fence row. I wondered if you would mind if I got some honey?"
"You don't get honey from honeysuckle!" laughed the farmer.
Again, the young man explained about his degree from A&M, so the farmer agreed to let him collect some honey. Soon the young man came back to his car with two buckets full of beautiful golden honey.
The next day the same young man drove up to the farmer's house. "Sorry to bother you again Sir, only yesterday when I was getting the honey, I noticed you had some pussy willow trees down by the creek".
The farmer quickly gets out of his chair saying, "Just let me get my shoes and I'll go with you!"
5th August
Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.
29th July
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
22nd July
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
15th July
Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
8th July
The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on my list.
1st July
Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
24th June
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
17th June
NICKNAMES
· If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
· If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman
10th June
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
3rd June
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
27th May
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
20th May
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
13th May
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
6th May
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
29th April
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
'good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
22nd April
After a visit to the "Pleasure Parlour", a man notices green lumps on his best friend. So, off he goes to the doctor.
"That's serious", says the doctor, "You know how wrestlers get cauliflower ears?"
"Yes" says the man, nodding seriously.
"Well" says the doctor, "You've got brothel sprouts."
15th April
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?
8th April
A group of chaps, all aged 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch.
It was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Stoke because the waitresses had big boobs & wore miniskirts.
Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch.
It was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Stoke because the food and service was good and the beer was excellent.
Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch.
It was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Stoke because they could dine in peace and quiet and it was good value for money.
Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch.
It was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Stoke because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a lift for the disabled.
Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Stoke because they had never been there before!!!
1st April
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
25th March
Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a
suspicious object was discovered in a car. It later turned out to be a
tax disc.
18th March
Hospitals are sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
11th March
A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the
Counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'.
The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing.
We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a
chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters.
You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided.
The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to
escort the young ladies on their Overseas holidays.
The Salary package is £200,000 a year'.
The Scouser said 'You're kidding me!'
The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!'
4th March
Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.
25th February
An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.
They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.
He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.
They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's
Jesus!'
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.
Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a
pint of bitter.
Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the
pints slowly, one after another.
After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for
the Guinness.
When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God! The
arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!'
Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager.
As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock.
'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone!
It's A Miracle.'
Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says,
'Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit.
18th February
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
11th February
Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't
you raise your hand?'
'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a
Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?'
'I am a Chelsea fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a
Chelsea fan?'
'Because my mum is a Chelsea fan, and my dad is a Chelsea fan,
so I'm a Chelsea fan too!'
'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is
no reason for you to be a Chelsea fan. You don't have to be just like
your parents all of the time... What if your mum was a prostitute and
your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?'
'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Liverpool fan.
4th February
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
28th January 2013
Q. How do people know Jesus wasn't born in Liverpool ?
A. You try finding 3 wise men and a virgin there!
21st January 2013
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
14th January 2013
Q. What's the most confusing day in Liverpool ?
A. Father's day
7th January 2013
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
31st December
Husband takes the wife to a New Year's Eve disco.
There's a guy on the dance floor giving it large - break dancing,
moon-walking, back flips, the works.
The wife turns to her husband and says:
“See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.”
Husband says:
“Looks like he's still celebrating!!!”
24th December
Q. There are two Liverpool girls in a car without any music - who is
driving?
A. The policeman..
17th December 2012
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
10th December 2012
Q. What does a Liverpool girl use as protection during sex?
A. A bus shelter.
3rd December 2012
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your maths multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
26th November 2012
Q. What do you call a Liverpool girl in a white tracksuit?
A. The bride.
19th November 2012
TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
12th November 2012
Q. What do you call a 27 year old Liverpool girl?
A. Granny.
5th November 2012
An old Pilot sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him..
She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, Aeronca's, Neiuports, flew in WWII in a B-29, and later in the Korean conflict, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot.'
She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'
He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'
29th October 2012
A Liverpool girl enters an adult shop and asks for a vibrator.
The man says: "Choose one from our range on the wall." She says "I'll take that red one."
The man replies: "That's a fire extinguisher."
22nd October 2012
A Liverpool girl goes to the welfare office to register for child benefit.
"How many children?" asks the welfare officer.
"Ten" replies the Liverpool girl,
"Ten?" says the welfare worker.
"What are their names?"
"Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan and Nathan"
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah..." says the Liverpool girl, "It's great because if they are out
playing in the street I just have to shout 'Nathan yer dinner's ready!'
or 'Nathan go to bed now!' and they all do it.
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the curious welfare worker.
"That's easy," says the Liverpool girl... "I just use their surnames"
15th October 2012
Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a
suspicious object was discovered in a car. It later turned out to be a
tax disk.
8th October 2012
Another slogan on the truck of a plumbing company; “Don’t sleep with a drip. Call a plumber
1st October 2012
Ad on the side of a plumber’s truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."
24th September 2012
On a maternity room door: “Push, Push, Push,”
17th September 2012
At an optometrist’s office: If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.
10th September 2012
On the door of a plastic surgeon’s office: We can help you pick your nose!”
3rd September 2012
Sign on the door of a vet’s waiting room, ‘Back in five minutes, Sit……Stay’
27th August 2012
Santa Claus brings poor Rudolph to the vet.
He says to the vet, “Doctor, please do something for my Rudolph. His nose won’t light up.”
The vet walks out of the room and returns with a pet carrier. He places the pet carrier next to the reindeer, opens it and out steps a cat. The cat walks around the reindeer and sniffs it. The cat then walks back into the carrier.
The animal doctor takes it out of the room and returns. He hands Santa Claus the bill. Santa gasps £450 pounds ! You didn’t do anything for my Rudolph and you’re charging me £450 pounds ?”
The vet shrugged and replied, “That’s the usual charge.£50 pounds for the office visit and £400 pounds for the CAT SCAN.” Ho Ho Ho
20th August 2012
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.
He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife “Mother of Six” in spite of her objections.
One night they go to a party. The man decides that it’s time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the top of his voice, “Shall we go home Mother of Six?” His wife, irritated by her husbands lack of discretion shouts back…
“Anytime you’re ready, Father of Four!”
13th August 2012
Two old ladies, Sunny and Tina, were outside their nursing home having a smoke, when it started to rain.
Tina pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Sunny: “What’s that?”
Tina: “A condom.”
Sunny: “Where’d you get it?”
Tina: “You can get them at any chemist”
The next day, Sunny hobbled into the local chemist and announced to the pharmacist that she wanted to buy a pack of condoms.
The guy looked at her strangely (she was, after all, in her eighties), but politely asked what brand she preferred. “Doesn’t matter,” she replied, “as long as it fits on a Camel.”
6th August 2012
Note from an old man: “I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers.”
30th July 2012
LACK OF VISION
70-year-old George went for his annual check-up. He told the doctor that he felt fine, but often had to go to the bathroom during the night. Then he said: “But you know Doc, I’m blessed. God knows my eyesight is going, so he puts on the light when I pee, and turns it off when I’m done!”
A little later in the day, Dr. Smith called George’s wife and said: “Your husband’s test results were fine, but he said something strange that has been bugging me. He claims that God turns the light on and off for him when uses the bathroom at night.”
Thelma exclaimed: “That old fool! He’s been peeing in the refrigerator again!”
23rd July 2012
Q: Why do married women weigh more than single women?
A: Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.
16th July 2012
A man goes into a bar and says, “I’d like something tall, icy and full of gin.” The barman turns and shouts in the kitchen, “Oi, Tracey! Someone to see you!”
9th July 2012
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses and stops breathing. The other pulls out his mobile phone and dials 999.
He gasps: “My friend is dead! “What can I do?”
The operator says: “Calm down – I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
Silence, then the sound of a gunshot.
The hunter comes back on the line: “Ok – now what?”
2nd July 2012
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
25th June 2012
Sponges grow in the ocean … that kills me. I wonder how much deeper the oceans would be if that didn’t happen.
18th June 2012
I saw a sign at a petrol station. It said ‘job vacancy’. There was another sign below it that said ’self service’. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit. I got a dog and named him ‘Stay’. Now, I go ‘Come here, Stay!’ After a while, the dog went insane and wouldn’t move at all. I spilled spot remover on my dog…now he’s gone. Right now I’m having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
11th June 2012
Lead: “How much am I short?”
Skip: “You ought to know, you’re closer to it”
4th June 2012
I got a new set of bowls for the wife last week!
Best deal I’ve made in years.
28th May 2012
I rang up my local bowling club, I said “Is that the local bowling club?”
He said “It depends where you’re calling from.”
21st May 2012
Skip was having a hard time
In Barlaston a well known skip was having a hard time from the other three in his team who had failed to contribute anything throughout the game.
At the last end the third walked down to the mat to play his first bowl and pausing, shouted back up the rink. “Where’s our nearest bowl?”.
“In yer ******* hand!”, answered the skip.
14th May 2012
Four bowlers
Four bowlers were out on the ‘Green’ practicing. As one of them was about to bowl at the 15th end, which was next to a busy road, they saw a funeral procession go by. Instead of bowling, the bowler removed his cap and placed it on his chest until the funeral had passed.
At this point, the other three said, “You know, that was the most touching thing I’ve ever seen.”
And the bowler answers, “Well, I was married to her for 15 years. It was the least I could do!”
7th May 2012
How was your bowling game?
How was your bowling game, dear?” asked Jack’s wife Tracy.
“Well, I was bowling well, but my eyesight’s gotten so bad I couldn’t see where the bowl went.”
“But you’re seventy-five years old, Jack!” admonished his wife, “Why don’t you take my brother Scott along?” “But he’s eighty-five and doesn’t even bowl anymore,” protested Jack.
“But he’s got perfect eyesight. He could watch your bowl,” Tracy pointed out. The next day Jack bowled with Scott looking on. Jack bowled to a long jack. “Do you see it?” asked Jack.
“Yes,” Scott answered. “Well, where is it?” yelled Jack, peering up the green.
“I forgot.”
30th April 2012
The magic of bifocal glasses
An old man called Barry, practises Bowls with his pals each week, has just purchased a new pair of glasses.
On the first end, he draws four touchers. His friends are amazed. Again, on the 2nd and 3rd ends ‘4 touchers.
“Hey, Barry”, one friend asks, “what’s your secret? You’ve never bowled so well.’
‘ “Well guys, its these new bifocals. I see a small jack and a big jack.
I aim for the large one, and the rest is history.”
A few ends later, Barry needs to relieve himself so off to the toilets he goes.
When he returns, his trousers are drenched. `
`What happened Barry”
Barry, in confused voice, “I reached in and looked down, I saw a big one and a little one. I knew the big one wasn’t mine, so I put it back!”
23rd April 2012
Half Hour Late
A couple of weeks ago, I practiced bowling with a new member.
We had fun during the practice, so I asked him if he wanted to practice next week.
He said: “Sure, but I might be a half hour late.”
The following week he shows up right on on time, and we practiced, this time he plays left- handed.
I asked him if he wanted to practice again next week.
He replied: “Sure but I might be a half hour late.”
I then asked him :”How come some times you play right- handed and other times, left-handed.”
He said :”When I wake up in the morning and my wife is sleeping on her left side, I play left- handed and if she is on her right side, then I play right- handed.”
I then ask ;”So,what if she is laying flat on her back?” “That’s when I’ll be a half hour late!” he replied
16th April 2012
Bowling balls
A little old man boards a bus with a bowling wood in each of his front pockets.
He sits down next to a beautiful young lady, and she can’t help but glance quizzically at the man and his bulging pockets. It’s an uneasy few minutes before, finally, the little old man can take no more.
“Bowling balls,” he nods reassuringly.
The lady seems a little shocked, and stares on. Moments later, she says: “Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?” |
|
|